This section is dedicated to my personal meditations. I wish to share them with others as I go and also to keep track of the inspiration and guidance I receive. First some background as to how I got to this point...
Many years ago I suffered a crippling depression. I had lost my way in life: I appreciated nothing, I was grateful for nothing, I saw the negative before the positive, and in essence, perceived life to be completely futile. I would lay awake at night crying in sheer frustration because I couldn't sleep; stressed about the past and future and knowing - yet again - I would be more tired than the previous day to start my pointless grind. I knew things had turned sour one night when I stood at my bedroom window looking at the tree in the yard and thinking about using the garden hose as a means to hang myself.
I subsequently attended an appointment with a general practitioner who informed me I was chronically depressed and that it was likely the result of my relationship with my (then) wife. In hindsight I agree with him, partly.
My relationship was part of a bigger problem. It wasn't THE problem. The problem was me. I had lost direction, purpose, and a sense of self. I'm not sure up to that point if I had any concept as to what ANY of the aforementioned meant. In all, I felt spiritually dead.
The doctor prescribed me some medication and I found this helped, but only in the sense that it stopped me from giving a shit. I was still spiritually dead and at times still lapsed into dark depressive states. However, those pills did help clear my mind enough to ponder my soul, my existence, my purpose, my place in my family, my place in society, my place in the world, and my place in the universe.
Not long after two Mormon missionaries knocked on my door. (Don't close the page; this isn't headed where you think). I conversed with these young men over a few months and they encouraged me to pray to see if their church was true. I did this. I wasn't aware of it at the time but what I thought was a prayer was actually my introduction to meditation. During the meditative process I received a vision. I watched as a mist appeared around some ancient stone steps. The steps were damp and covered in moss. Gradually I watched as a pair of pure feet descended down the stairs until I saw a pure white robe. The torso eventually came into view and the shoulders. The figure had his arms outstretched with his palms facing me. I knew it was Jesus even though the figure was cut off at the shoulders; I never saw his head. The vision faded and I felt peace. True peace. Not the type humans often attempt to manufacture by sitting around a pool sipping cocktails. This was different. It was like a cloud of love, happiness, and truth wrapped into one. I soon after joined the Mormon faith.
Initially I enjoyed learning about the Mormon ideologies of God etc. However, I found over time nobody could answer my questions. I was also unlike many other religious folk; I actually studied and read what I wanted, not what I was told. I found after much research that I could no longer consider the Mormon faith true. In fact, it was full of Freemasonry temple rituals and outright deceit. My knowledge of this didn't come from external sources. I discovered it for myself through reading the Church's "doctrines". After a while I left. And I was bitter.
From that point on I despised religion. I felt duped. Worse still, I felt betrayed. I could never work out why I had received "that vision". It felt so real. I felt it was confirmation of where I needed to be. I no longer trusted my spirituality or God. In time, I drew away from anything remotely spiritual.
For many years I wondered what that vision was about. Why did I receive it? What was the point of what I interpreted to be God guiding me to some cult. Was I a nut?
During my exodus from God as an agnostic, I forged my own path without him/her/it. Fast forward fifteen years and I began to question life again. This time in a more productive manner. It was the result of an experience with the paranormal; something I could not explain or deny.
I began to question my beliefs about God again. I also questioned that earlier vision and realized that I needed it at that time in my life. In a sense , that vision and my introduction to Mormonism probably saved me from suicide.
In the process I started to read and research more spiritually enlightening material. A few months ago I read a book about lucid dreaming. In this book the author was explaining the means to be able to achieve this dream state. I found it fascinating. He also discussed mental telepathy and people's ability to be able to undertake this. I decided I would try it for myself.
I was due to work away from home and asked my partner if she would try and send me a message with her mind while I was gone. That night, as I lay down to sleep 100 miles from home, I began to meditate. At first I just got the ramblings of my own brain. Then something strange happened. I began to see an image appear in my mind's eye. I could make out my pet labrador but it was very murky and dark. I became frustrated because I could sense this was NOT coming from me; it was coming from something outside of me.
As I lay there and recollected my calmness I distinctly "heard" a voice speak. Rather, I didn't hear it; the voice was inside but not of me. It simply said in a very peaceful yet assertive way, "Let it come". I did.
The image began to take shape. My dog faded away and instead I saw a beautiful vision of a big, full butter moon. I KNEW this was my partner's message. I felt it. It was confirmed with the very same feeling of love, happiness, and truth wrapped into one as my prior vision of Jesus. I instantly picked up my mobile phone and sent her a text. All that text said was: "Moon."
I received a message from my partner in the morning saying, "How the hell did you do that?!?!"
Strangely, after that I did not attempt to meditate again. Nor did I try the mental telepathy experiment further. This past week I have been telling my partner I want to become more attuned spiritually. As I was sitting here today I began to ask myself why I always put off learning to meditate and connecting with my soul. I had to be very honest with myself: The truth is, I was too scared. I no longer trusted myself after my Jesus vision and my Mormon experience.
My desire to become more spirtual overrode my fear to remain soulfully stagnant. My partner instructed me on how to meditate and I just tried it. I'm glad I did...
As I engaged in a deeper level of meditation that "thing" outside of me brought to my attention my Jesus vision and my feelings of mistrust. Within a second I knew I was supposed to receive that vision years ago of Jesus; it was designed to save me from myself. Then that voice (that isn't a voice) said, "The head of the church was not there." I immediately recognized what was being presented. I needed it (some kind of faith/hope) at the time but what I was seeking was not within Mormonism. I was then wrapped in that love, happiness, and truth feeling.
Until my next insight.
I guess I best begin this latest instalment with a distinct statement pertaining to not caring what people think. In particular, not caring what the cynical and sceptical perceive of my inner journey. For as I have been INSTRUCTED: "Do not doubt and do not give over to ego, for they are the destroyers of spirituality."
During meditation I received an awakening to my use of an eye for my profile picture on my Twitter account. There was a comparison made between this and the irony of my recent study of the "Eye of Providence" (I do not wish to elaborate on this symbol. Those of you who know what it is and what it represents and by who will understand). I was at a loss as to comprehend the meaning. The next morning I awoke and the notion came to me straight away; balance - do not solely focus on the dark. There is much light.
This sparked for me a turning point in my spiritual life. I am now connected in a way beyond something I could EVER imagine. I am not intentionally attempting to be vague. The experiences I had are universal gifts. I cannot explain it except to say, search for yourself. And if you search hard enough and are dilligent in remaining purely true to your soul, you will find it/him/her.
"And if you listen very hard, the tune will come to you at last. When all is one and one is all." - Led Zeppelin (Stairway to Heaven).
I am being INSTRUCTED over and over again to have no doubts...
My latest meditation presented a vision of riding a wild horse. I could see its ears and mane as we traveled at high speed across a desert plain. Then, suddenly, we ran headlong straight over a cliff. My horse spiralled downward into the depths of the canyon. I watched as he panicked and knew his demise was inevitable. I on the other hand flew.
I spread my arms and escaped death. The voice that isn't a voice "spoke": "A man with faith can accomplish anything."
Received the above vision during meditation... Doubt and ego being the Achilles heel of spiritual growth.
Pegasus - symbol of wisdom - flew to me and looked me in the face.